After hearing and reading about how bad tanning beds were for you I decided to give spray tanning a try. I had asked a friend, who I knew had done it, how she found the experience. "I didn't like it," she told me. I asked her why? She couldn't remember. This should refresh her memory.
How it went in my head and how it actually unfolded were two vastly different experiences.In My Head:
I would slip into the booth and allow the gentle mist to spray over me and I would emerge a bronze goddess, somewhere between Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.The Reality:
It all began with a 10 minute instruction by Miss Cute-and-Perky, who was probably thinking to herself "what is this old girl doing here and who does she think she's kidding." The instruction went something like this - first get naked, next - put on shower cap, next - spread blue stuff all over your body, next - sit on chair and put barrier cream on heels and soles of your feet, palms of your hands and all your nails. Make sure barrier cream is good and thick. Next press 30 second button and enter booth. Position yourself like a sumai wrestler ready to pounce, press button and get sprayed. When done emerge from booth, wipe barrier cream off hands and use special fuzzy gloves to wipe off tanning spray. Wiping must be done in a circular motion so as not to streak. You must be fast so it doesn't dry before you are done wiping. Sounds simple enough, right? I already knew this was way too much work and that this would be the first and last time I do this but what the hell, I already paid for it. Before leaving, Miss Cute-and-Perky asked me if everything was clear. Was it my imagination or was she speaking extra slowly? I told her I was fine and off she sashayed, leaving me to my own devices.
First I got naked and then sat down in the chair. Oh goodie! The chair was positioned directly in front of a full length mirror. Ugghh. Next I started applying the barrier cream and put it on the soles of my feet nice and thick just like I had been told to do. Crap. I forgot to put the shower cap on and there it is...across the room...on a little table. I sat there for a minute wondering how the hell I was going to get across the room with the barrier cream already on my feet. Ah no worries, there is a dispenser by the shower cap that says barrier cream. Naked fluffy lady in the mirror grinned back at me. I gingerly made my way across the room and finally was able to place the shower cap jauntilly on my head. I then proceed to try and fill the thimble -sized container with more barrier cream. Crap. The dispenser doesn't work. Carefully, I hobbled back over to my chair, trying to salvage what little barrier cream was left on my feet. And there she was again - naked fluffy lady, now with a spiffy shower cap on her head. Uggghh. At this point I just want to get this whole thing over with, so I empty the thimble-sized container of its barrier cream, spread it where it needs to be spread, press the 30 second button, hop in the booth, position myself in my best sumai wrestler position and pressed the button. Crap. I forgot to close my eyes. Three seconds later and 10 seconds with the fan on and I am done. Out I step and park in front of the mirror and what I see scares the bejeezus out of me! Brown stuff is dripping off of me like rivers of mud. I panic and grab the fuzzy gloves and start madly wiping the stuff off of me. Crap! I forgot to wipe the barrier cream off my hands. Once that's done I frantically start wiping but I can already see streaks of brown drying on my legs. Panic has now set in and I am wiping and rubbing as though my life depended on it. At one point I realized I was completely dry so whatever was there I was stuck with. As I go to put the fuzzy glove down I see my little thimble-sized container of blue stuff, the stuff that is apparently really important for moisterizing your skin and helping the spray tan set nice and even. Crap. I forgot to put on the really important blue stuff. I have now had enough and just want to get the hell out of there. But I can't just leave the blue stuff sitting there untouched. Miss Cute-and- Perky will know I screwed up. I grab some paper towels and wipe the blue stuff out of the thimble-sized container and toss the paper towels. There...the evidence that I am a total spray tanning moron is gone. Now to get out of the salon quickly. Just as I am about to make my escape Miss Cute-and-Perky calls out to me and asks me how it went. I mutter something and she leaves me with some parting advice."Whatever you do, don't go swimming in a pool with chlorine or your tan will be immediately gone."
Right then and there I could have jumped over the counter and planted a kiss right on Miss Cute-and-Perky's pouty little pink glossed lips. Next stop....hotel's, hopefully well chlorinated, pool!
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